28 August 2012 @ 01:07 am
ended up skimming through my old journal to look for some information and DUDE I POSTED SO MUCH. LIKE, EVERY DAY ALL THE TIME SOMETIMES MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY. i posted often enough that i'm using it to go back and figure out what i was doing summer 2006, IT'S SO COHESIVE AND I'D NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT NOW which is kind of sad (though i actually do keep a really boring log of what i do every day, except WHY DON'T I JUST POST THAT HERE sigh).

it's probably because i was less blugh and didn't overthink everything. so for the past few weeks i've been wanting to post something about my buying some girl clothes in taiwan and my mom mistaking femme-positivity for femaleness (and also femaleness for non-maleness) and other genderthings but i don't really want to come back to lj and just post GENDERTHINGS EVERY DAY and also it takes too long and then i realized i've been in denmark for over a week so i should probably mention that i am studying abroad in denmark and will be here for four months or so.

copenhagen is beautiful and small and cozy, and the weather recently has been the perfect mix of cooler-than-taiwan-but-still-clearly-summertime, though it probably won't stay that way for long and i should really buy some warmer clothes because i didn't bring many other than the thirty-seven pocket jacket i used to smuggle an extra twenty pounds of carry-on.

been switching around my classes a lot, so now i'm somehow taking eighteen credits -- seven classes total -- and also being a student photographer for the media team and also hanging out at a nearby games workshop and also trying to participate in every activity ever.

i think my need to fill up my schedule stems from a lack of friends and therefore a lack of anything else to do, maybe. i had applied to live with a host family, but ended up getting placed with two "danish" apartmentmates who are actually from california and in total only 1/4 danish. they are super nice and all but not only had i kind of wanted to meet some danish people, i've also realized that i often feel especially awkward meeting people my own age and actually have a decent amount of anxiety about my awkwardness and lack of ability to make friends as readily as other people seem to, all of which was for the most part hidden by my very close circle of friends in high school and has come out more and more in the past few years as i find myself in various situations where i don't know anyone and suddenly have to make new friends except i don't know how to.

my dad suggested my visible androgyny might be scaring away potential friends, which i completely dismissed last year -- partly because i thought it was silly and partly because i figured if someone didn't want to be friends with me because i'm visibly androgynous then that'd be their problem -- but honestly it might be a bit more complicated than that, especially combined with me just being fairly quiet and awkward in general.

i don't know -- it's not that i can't make friends. i usually do, after some time. my general tactic is to pick one or two people and follow them around until either the mere exposure effect kicks in or they tell me to get lost, which has actually worked pretty well for me so far except for a few times when i haven't been completely sure at what point i should stop following someone before i get too creepy. i guess i'm optimistic in that i'm pretty sure i will have some decent friends by the end of my time here. but at the same time i have way too much trouble thinking about the future, which is nice because i don't worry about it but also means i don't tend to look forward to it much (the vague parts, at least), either.

honestly, i just want someone to eat dinner/watch movies/play games with (board, video, card -- doesn't matter), kind of like the first two weeks of summer -- i'd just go to ismet's room every day and we'd watch community then either order pizza or pick a random restaurant to try, then go back and watch more community or a movie or play battlefield or plan a surprise trip to florida or do a scavenger hunt or light fireworks or go look for cats or THIS IS WHY I CAN'T WRITE THINGS ANYMORE, BECAUSE I ALWAYS GET TOO INTROSPECTIVE AND THINKY. I DON'T EVEN LIKE THINKING, I HAVE SO MUCH MORE FUN WHEN I DON'T THINK ABOUT THINGS AT ALL sob. I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS, LJ JUST GETS A DISPROPORTIONATE AMOUNT OF IT... i have trouble writing about myself because as i write i often realize that something i said earlier may have been wrong but maybe not wrong and it's all just me trying to pull together observations i've made and i don't know why i get so concerned about being WRONG about myself in public but i guess once it's out there it's there and people can read it and that's a scary thought.

well anyway one of my classes is a creative travel writing class and i think i have to keep a journal or something which will probably be more digestible than all this brainpoop (though that was actually a pretty satisfying brainpoop and my brainbowels are nice and empty now and i feel a lot better).

this entry was really difficult to concentrate on writing due to the sound of my apartmentmate having really hot sex next door.

apparently "bye" in danish is just "hi" twice. "hej hej."

hej, jeg hedder jessie. jeg studerer kunst og astronomi på wesleyan men jeg studerer sociologi på dis. jeg cykler ikke, jeg går og tager bussen eller metroen. jeg har et spørgsmål. det ved jeg ikke. jeg taler ikke dansk.
location: Denmark, Copenhagen
mood: blah
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18 June 2011 @ 10:38 pm
passed the three month mark of not posting (publicly), which is a bit saddening considering how often i used to write. but i'm not dead, not really! i've just been posting a lot of private entries (mostly about a certain person) and writing by hand (mostly about religion) in a marble notebook which is starting to look suspiciously like something that should belong to a serial killer. NOT THAT I'M SUGGESTING ANYTHING /hides knives

ANYWAY, hi. way too much stuff has happened since pax for me to cover it all, but to start with the most recent significant development: i'm currently in japan! living with a host family for two months and taking intensive language classes with the princeton in ishikawa program. a few complications have cropped up regarding the fact that i declined to select a gender on the application (and subsequent administrative forms). that, combined with the fact that my dad has recently been pressing me to confront my increasingly inconvenient and complicated gender issues, has finally brought those issues to the forefront, and there will likely be some significant changes in how i go about my life following the summer.

mentioning these issues, however, led me to realize that i never even wrote about them on my livejournal in the first place. i don't think any of you (besides a few who know me offline, and maybe one or two others -- but even then, only vaguely) have the slightest idea of what i'm talking about when i say "my gender issues" -- not to mention the other things (most notably previously mentioned religion/certain person, plus a few other things) that have been occupying my mind lately. i guess i never was able to think of my livejournal as the first place to come to with my more abstract/serious thoughts, which in a way probably contributed to my recent disappearance. went and skimmed through some old entries and realized just how many things i had made private, for no reason other than that they addressed something relatively more serious/introspective than my usual drivel.

may or may not go into further detail on any number of these things, depending on interest or a later urge to ramble, but just wanted to post SOMETHING, since i'd hate to disappear without a word.

THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST SERIOUS-SOUNDING POST I'VE MADE IN A RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME so here is a picture of a turtle skateboarding to balance it all out.

in more mundane news, my friend tori convinced me to buy a kindle, and i have since been working my way through isaac asimov's entire bibliography. hnnnnnngh isaac asimovvvv ♥
mood: contemplative
location: kanazawa, japan
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