「108;」

[orangiah_pyrotol]

passed the three month mark of not posting (publicly), which is a bit saddening considering how often i used to write. but i'm not dead, not really! i've just been posting a lot of private entries (mostly about a certain person) and writing by hand (mostly about religion) in a marble notebook which is starting to look suspiciously like something that should belong to a serial killer. NOT THAT I'M SUGGESTING ANYTHING /hides knives

ANYWAY, hi. way too much stuff has happened since pax for me to cover it all, but to start with the most recent significant development: i'm currently in japan! living with a host family for two months and taking intensive language classes with the princeton in ishikawa program. a few complications have cropped up regarding the fact that i declined to select a gender on the application (and subsequent administrative forms). that, combined with the fact that my dad has recently been pressing me to confront my increasingly inconvenient and complicated gender issues, has finally brought those issues to the forefront, and there will likely be some significant changes in how i go about my life following the summer.

mentioning these issues, however, led me to realize that i never even wrote about them on my livejournal in the first place. i don't think any of you (besides a few who know me offline, and maybe one or two others -- but even then, only vaguely) have the slightest idea of what i'm talking about when i say "my gender issues" -- not to mention the other things (most notably previously mentioned religion/certain person, plus a few other things) that have been occupying my mind lately. i guess i never was able to think of my livejournal as the first place to come to with my more abstract/serious thoughts, which in a way probably contributed to my recent disappearance. went and skimmed through some old entries and realized just how many things i had made private, for no reason other than that they addressed something relatively more serious/introspective than my usual drivel.

may or may not go into further detail on any number of these things, depending on interest or a later urge to ramble, but just wanted to post SOMETHING, since i'd hate to disappear without a word.

THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST SERIOUS-SOUNDING POST I'VE MADE IN A RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME so here is a picture of a turtle skateboarding to balance it all out.



in more mundane news, my friend tori convinced me to buy a kindle, and i have since been working my way through isaac asimov's entire bibliography. hnnnnnngh isaac asimovvvv ♥

Comments

[thrives.livejournal.com]

I am kind of the same way with lj. I keep not posting, and for a while I kept posting mostly private, bleh.

A+ for Japan.

I had sort of wondered about your gender, to be honest. I mean, I knew your sex, but your gender didn't really seem to match it when I met you. I would love to hear more about it, derpderp. I'm here for you. <3

[pyrotol.livejournal.com]

i have the habit of writing two-thirds of an entry and then leaving it in my drafts for weeks. when i finally get around to finishing it up and posting it, it's outdated and i have to start over;;;

:)))

thank you! :) yeah, my gender presentation is pretty much binarily male (which is probably what has led to the most complications here, haha). i'll probably end up making a more in-depth post eventually, once i figure out where to begin.

ALSO ALSO DID YOU GET YOUR PORTRAIT? just want to make sure it didn't get eaten by the postman or something.

[thrives.livejournal.com]

Oh, DURR. I meant to let you know that I had. It's wonderful ;_;

[pyrotol.livejournal.com]

YAYYYY

[missdeep.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm so happy to hear you're in Japan and kicking ass! AND THAT TURTLE IS HARDCORE OMG LOOK AT IT.

If you are comfortable talking about more serious concerns in your LJ, I'm always willing to listen. I know I'm just an internet person but I do genuinely care about you and hope the changes in your life go smoothly.

[pyrotol.livejournal.com]

thank you! i probably will end up writing a more in-depth post eventually, once i figure out where to begin. even as an "internet person," i really do appreciate your support. :)))

[moonloop.livejournal.com]

I always love hearing about others questioning their genders and end up outside the spectrum. I had a few issues with my gender but overall decided to be female and not queer. Even though I don't really like being female, the decision was ultimately made because the only reason why I feel this way is from low self esteem. I've learned so much about sex and gender being completely different and I'd like to hear more about your own view. :)

I discovered more of that stuff when I discovered I was asexual. I also hope your family is supportive and cares about you no matter what you think or feel about yourself. Families with children who have these thoughts feel like they failed but we all have to reassure them it's not their fault. My dad sort of feels like he failed me. He honestly believes I'm gay which I'm not. I just have no sexual attraction to anyone but to him, that's gay. idek. :( My mom is supportive though! Hope the same goes for you! :D

Also Kindles are awesome. *re-reading Battle Royale cause it's one of my favorites ahaha*

[pyrotol.livejournal.com]

yeah, no matter how everything turns out, i'll always be grateful for the experience. it's really taught me a lot about gender identity and related issues, which tend to be taken for granted (both by cis and non-cispeople alike). i'll probably end up writing a more in-depth post eventually, once i figure out where to begin -- i'd love to discuss things in greater detail with you then. :)

i think my parents have tried their best to be supportive, but ultimately they can't seem to understand the complexity of it (especially since i'm not straightforwardly trans). to be honest, at the moment i'm not quite sure where i stand myself, so explaining to them has been pretty difficult. however, considering the fact that my parents are both evangelical protestant chinese immigrants with basically no previous exposure to any sort of gender/sexual nonconformity, they've taken the whole thing EXTREMELY well.

I AM IN LOVE WITH MY KINDLE. i have the 3g version, too, so i can get on the internet ANYWHERE. FOR FREE.

[everluxxe.livejournal.com]

Aha, same here with the notebook thing; I've been experimentally writing from different POV and I'd be horrified if someone picked up my notebook by accident and read it...

I've seen your photos from Japan and am pretty envious! I hope you're having fun and learning a lot of kanji :P

I suppose there's no other way to phrase it differently from the previous commenters here, but I'm also willing to listen and have a conversation about gender. Quite a few things have changed since we actually sat down together to talk (about 8 or 9 years? wow), but I hope you can still trust me.

Serious tone aside, good luck! /hugs

[pyrotol.livejournal.com]

oh man, if someone found my notebook...

but yeah, japan's been great so far! i've gotten pretty pro at cramming kanji, which is fine for quizzes but terrible in the long run;;;

wow, it really has been a while! i'll be writing a more in-depth post eventually, once i figure out where to begin, but i'd love to chat and catch up sometime! about gender or otherwise. :) thanks for your support!